12 August 2019

insearch of a place to call home!

Today...i sat with myself for sometime...

On the edge of the window at a beautiful parisien hotel...overlooking the Opera de Paris!

Looking through people walking under the rain..caring less about the drizzles pouring about them..maybe too busy in their heads..maybe too present in the bliss of the moment...i wanted to hallucinate that it was the latter...
How different is Europe from our part of the world...how more at ease are the people...who at least dont get starred at for their tattood covered bodies...or expressive loving french kisses...
Why couldnt be the same?? Is it really religion? Or is it conditioning we are too scared of getting off so people wouldnt shame us??
But so what if they shame us? Would that make us feel guilty?
Like we misbehaved? 
Would that mean we would get punished through someones hateful judgement about us? Would that make us less human???
But why??
Or is it the same neurotransmitters working their black magic deep within, through repetitive patterns that have been habitually released into our system coz thats the best we knew growing up as abused children??

I dont know about u...but i was! My body is so used to those "feel bad" hormones way before my 4 years old little brain could figure out what was actually going on inside it...

So watching people being at ease..soothes my soul..speaks to my disturbed mind..and cools down my anxieties...yes anxieties!!!!

That feeling of agitation..restlessness..the fight or flight i feel around people..thinking i owe the world something that itll certainly demand it off me through its people! 
Like my world is about to be invaded..my introvert is in danger of being questioned..like i own the world an explanation!!!

Seeing people walk with relaxed facial expressions...reminds me that its ok...reminds of of the peace of the moment...reminds me of my daily journals..that its ok to BE rather than DO...be in the magic of the moment...the magic of the NOW...magic of not giving a damn on whats going on outside myself..magic of claiming my breath...by owning my power...by understanding that...i dont belong to my conditions..i dont come with a manual that says...i should follow the crowd! I dont carry a manuscript that says i must be like people in my hometown! Like i must obey their rules...like i must follow their conflicts..like i must seek their validation...like i must be loved by them to feel worthy or complete...being outside what is supposed to be known as "home" actually felt at home! Felt comfortable..felt at ease...felt real!!! Felt warm!!! Something i never experienced back home! 

But maybe..this is home..to my soul!
Souls arent bound to places, are they?? Souls are larger than places, passports and identities...

Souls know their home...and what i know for sure...is...i dont belong to where i was physically born...
I belong to lands of freedom..peace...where boundaries are acknowledged...humans appreciated for what they are...privacies respected..relationships appreciated...yes...this is where i belong! 

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